Never thought I would feel it. At the same time, I expected it. I hate my direct family, and all of the false promises. The hopes that got too high.. expecting to actually spend time with my loved ones. FUCK YOU. I have made the time and effort, but nothing has changed. You are still the very thing I despise. The one thing from my childhood that kept me down. The one person that should have brought me up in my low times, but no. All I get are lies and deceit. Probably by no fault of your own, but why can you not follow through? Why can you not put in extra effort elsewhere?
I was leaning on you when you said you would be there. I should have expected that you were not going to come. Excuse after excuse I listened to, and what did I do? Nothing. Not a damn thing but say, “Oh well..”. I miss you ya know? You are my mother, and right now I have none. I have to look elsewhere for peers that substitute for you. You are gone and it is your own..damn..fault. You could have a relationship with your ONLY daughter, but no. You choose to live a solitary life with a pedophile.
I wanted to spend time with my mother. ALONE. Just mother-daughter time when she came to drop off my brother to visit. But no. She has to drag that pedophile everywhere. I can not even have a normal conversation with her when he is around. She did not even tell me she was coming herself, and she had promised me earlier this year when I lived in Wilmington, that she was going to visit me then and we were going to go fishing. That never happened. Now my grandma tells me that she is coming early tomorrow morning to drop my brother off with some vegetables, then her and my stepfather are leaving to go fishing. WTF??!! Didn’t even bother worrying about your daughter? Who you promised beforehand that you would spend time with?
I feel hurt. And this utter loneliness is creeping back. I feel sick.
Shit. fuck. update later. (aka after my gyno appt)